A CAREGIVER'S BURDEN..dementia and dried up drunks don't mix well.

So I was hesitant to start this blog today. But I needed something to help me clear my mind and be able to relax somehow. Relax, right like that can happen for me! So I am an only child of a single parent ( term used loosely ) household. And a few years ago my mother was diagnosed with a form of dementia called 'frontal lobe". Now for many years my relationship with my mother has been turbulent at times. Coming from a upbringing of a parent who believed proper parenting involved "intoxicating weekends that started friday afternoons and ended barely come the dawn of Monday morning. And I saw alot and I endured alot. Some might argue it made me who I am today better and worse. But what I have struggled with to this day is the reason I feel I need to stand by this woman that from the beginning to this day can look apon me like she wish I was never born. Yet I find it in my heart to do all I can to help her get by day by day, no matter how much she fights against it. I find myself often wondering how much a person trying to help another that refuses "common sense" can continue to try and keep hitting a wall of resistance and dead ends. And where does it leave me in the end? Sleepless nights, uneasy days, and the feeling of downright helplessness. And people tell me all the time " She's very lucky to have you". Yeah well it would be a hell of alot easier if she realized that!! And then when I try to step back and let her just coast along struggling daily as she may. I'm either approached by her or a distant family member a dragged back in in no time usually. Lets take tonight for example, I spent my whole day stressed out, wondering how long I can keep going and try to help her and have her fight it off. " I do that alot. And I head home, I wanna try to relax and my phone rings. My aunt called and can't get a hold of my mother. She's probably sleeping or quite simply NOT answering the phone! She does it to me all the time! So I call I leave a messgae call me back. I get nothing back. Now this is usually where I panic and start making calls till I find her or she calls back. I'm not doing it tonight. I'm going on the idea she had a long day and she's sleeping. And 99.999% I'm right. But it's the mind game stuff that drives me mad!~!